Riding the Wave

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So, I don’t know if you know this. But sometimes you can go a little bit crazy.  Like there’s this thing that happens when you make big relationship changes in your life – whether you are the instigator, or not. Like if you start having an affair. Or when you finally leave your husband.

 

First, you stop being able to sleep past 4 a.m.

 

Maybe you stop eating.

 

And then … and then you go a little bit crazy.

 

You are drunk on freedom and rebellion! There is no more need for compromise! With no one to answer to – your impulse control is the next thing to go. Maybe you fuck your 26 year old non-English speaking gardener. In your car. In your preschool parking lot. With Cheerios on the floor and the two car seats in the back. I don’t know – you know – hypothetically.

 

Your filter disappears. You tell everybody everything. You are Demi Moore hopped up on rufies or poppers, or whatever those crazy hipstersnappers are doing these days – dirty dancing at clubs with dudes younger than your kids. Until you, too, are at risk of having yourself committed for “exhaustion.” (And hopefully for you, at least, the paparazzi will be kind. And completely uninterested.)

 

When I would go have my nails done and read about Demi humilating herself after her break up with Ashton, I thought, Yup. But for the grace of god …

 

And suddenly music moves you like never before!  You dance spontaneously in the kitchen!  (At 5 a.m.)

 

You can see your own crazy in other people’s eyes when you talk to them.  They smile sweetly at you, a little confused. They nod along with you. But their eyes tell you they see something about you is offMy GOD! said one friend when I was in the throes of divorce. Listening to you makes me feel like I’m drinking from a goddamn fire hose!

 

And that is because you have gone a little bit crazy.  It really is that simple.

 

There are days when you are on TOP OF THE WORLD!!!!  You are a BADASS MOTHERFUCKER!!!  There is no stopping you now!!!  You are gorgeous and dynamic – at the TOP OF YOUR GAME!!!  You have NEVER BEEN BETTER!!!

 

And then there are days when you realize your life is half over. And you’re single again, only this time you’re middle aged. Is it still okay to go home with the bartender? What exactly are you supposed to do about sex? Now with a mommy tummy and a vagina to match?  Maybe, you think, maybe I haven’t thought this all the way throughMaybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.  All the hot guys are embarrassingly young for you now.  Clearly you are going to start having to be attracted to old guys. With saggy butts. Then again, maybe it won’t be so bad, you tell yourself.

 

I am here to tell you, those feelings will end.

 

Take heart. And remember this: you are just going crazy, and it’s perfectly normal.

 

Things inside you have to break apart, so they can rearrange themselves as they next should be. You are creating a New Order!  (Plus, you are just going a little bit crazy. It’s okay.)

 

Ride that emotional rollercoaster and know that it, too, shall pass.

 

It will probably take six months. Or more.

 

And in the end, you may wind up with a regrettable tattoo. Or two. Eh.

 

Try to get some sleep.

 

Try to eat something nourishing (i.e., nothing you make in the microwave – you know who you are!).

 

And try not to tattoo your face.

 

Or neck.

 

You’re just going a little bit crazy. Don’t be afraid. Remember it’s to be expected. And you’re going to be just fine, my love. You’re going to be just fine.

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  • Laurie Wagner

    Darlin – – this is a great piece of writing. I love how you out yourself so completely in this – no messing around, no pretending or hiding. You are a true inspiration as a writer. I’m a fan! xxx

  • Rebecca brams

    Story bowl at Kathryn’s house… Saying hi. This is beautiful. -Rebecca

  • Erin M

    Love this! Especially since I have gone a “little crazy” myself. 🙂 Keep writing and I will keep reading,